monkeydo.org

Johnny Depp directs this low budget art-house pic charting the real life journey of a deafmute castrato with no limbs who, after witnessing the brutal massacre of his family in a dispute over a wheelbarrow overcomes the odds to fufill his lifelong dream and play football for Portugal.

What’s right with it?
An actor turned director, it’s in black and white, subtitled, features lengthy sections in complete silence, is set in Europe, lends itself nicely to easy compliments such as “enigmatic” and “magical”, and is so unfathomable that you feel clever just for making it to the end. Hello? Can you say Academy Award?

What’s wrong with it?
Nothing. Honestly nothing at all. If you don’t understand this film you must be stupid. And you don’t want everyone to think you are stupid do you?

Former WWE wrestler The Rock stars as Digby “Toughsacks” Jones, a highschool chess champion sent to Vietnam for a crime he didn’t commit. Will he manage to prove his innocence and return home to Georgia in time to defend his title against the evil Iranian grandmaster?

What’s right with it?
The Rock is convincing as intellectual superstud Jones and the final reel in which Digby returns home and struggles to gain acceptance for his new 9 year old former prostitute wife Mei-Lee is handled with the sensitivity and and creative flair of a director who understands kiddie love.

What’s wrong with it?
Brian Blessed’s performance as the 19 year old genetically engineered grandmaster is in turns high camp and Shatner-esque facial ticks.

Jerry Bruckheimer’s big-budget remake of Ruggero Deadato’s ultraviolent horror masterpiece stars Woody Allen and Halle Berry as a maverick film crew who go missing in “The Green Inferno” while making a documentary on ancient cannibal tribes. Freelance adventurer Jimi Fitzenheid (Paris Hilton) is recruited by network executives to rescue them and recover their footage at all costs.

What’s right with it?
By replacing gore, real life animal cruelty and “exploitation within exploitation” psuedo social commentary with a series of comedic sub-plots, a romantic homosexual back story and a cute Chinese boy with bricks for feet Bruckheimer has successfully managed to bring the most brutal of all movie genres to a multiplex audience.

What’s wrong with it?
CGI cannibals are at times unconvincing, and the scene in which Fitzenheid awakes half submerged in a huge cooking pot surrounded by carrots, onions and other vegetables is marred by an over-reliance on stock footage.

**update**

Well what do you know, I made up this film as a stupid joke to play around with the content and it turns out that it’s now a real movie – although this review has fuck all to do with that particular piece, at least I doubt it has because I’ve never seen it. Wouldn’t it be funny though if I’d got it spot on.